I made pottery today...

And this is just one of the many fun and unexpected things you're about to read. So come, join me on a wondrous journey through the wilderness of adventure, over the river of knowledge to the heady heights of cultural awareness. Trust me. Do it.

Today, I didn't have to teach! Instead, I got to join all the other foreign teachers from the Icheon area at the first annual(?) Korean cultural experience. At the education office, I got to meet all of the other foreign teachers in the area, which is a mixed blessing, I'd have to say. I'll explain later. Next, we watched Korean tourism commercials. Yes, they have tourism commercials. So does Rhode Island. What's your point?

Anyway, the templestay looks totally awesome. Basically, you spend a weekend at a Buddhist temple, hanging out with the monks, meditating, walking, shaving your head, doing whatever else it is that Buddhist monks do. Maybe I'll acquire the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away... with MIND-BULLETS!!! That's telekinesis, Kyle.

OK, sorry, but it was cool-looking.

Anyway, after the commercials, we got into the real hands-on cultural experience. No, not Korean women, unfortunately, but almost as good. We got to go to a kimchi factory and make our own kimchi and mandu! Well, let's not get carried away here. We got to take the mandu (Korean dumplings) filling and roll it up into... well, dumplings. But we were encouraged to be creative. So yes, I did what you're all thinking and rolled one that looked like a joint. ... OK -- no, I didn't. I can't even roll a joint, what's wrong with ya'll for even suggesting that?! Jeez... I did however roll one that looked like a Walt's calzone -- the little french twist around the edges. I lost on the most creative score to a South African guy who rolled one "American-style," as he called it, which involved laying about 5 of the little dumpling dough circles down in a row and making a giant mandu-burrito. Well, that was my opinion, at least. I may not have even been in the running. Who knows?

Then, we moved on to the kimchi -- they already had the chili paste all ready for us, so we just had to take it and slather it all over a head of cabbage that had been pre-brined for our enjoyment. Then we slapped that shit in a plastic bag, they vacuum-sealed it for us and now it lives in my refrigerator. I think I'll call him Gilbert.

Next we moved to the trying on of the hanbok: traditional Korean costumes. I LOVE HANBOK. These things are friggin comfortable. And pink? Boy howdy, I tell ya I ain't never seen somethin so durn pink in all mah days. I was told by the ladies dressing us that I looked like a king. Apparently, Korean royalty are gay. Who knew? Um, yeah. Korea? Just kidding... come back! I still like you! I didn't mean gay... I meant, uh... secure in their sexuality? Yep, that's what I meant. That's the ticket. =)

Next we drove to the ceramics center! Now, those of you who know me, which is all of you, because I sincerely doubt this blog is that interesting or funny if you don't know me, will know that the whole arts-craftsy-makin-shit-with-my-hands thing and I don't really jive together. I'm sure, if you ask nicely, my mom can tell you some great stories about the craptacular art projects I used to turn in for school. Anyway, bottom line is, we watched a little video (in Korean) about pottery-making, got a translation (from a Korean), saw a demonstration by a (Korean) guy who's been doing this for 20 years, and got to work. Now let me stop here and point out the uselessness, nay, the counterproductiveness, of these demonstrations. Have you ever watched someone who's really a master of their craft work? I mean, watched a professional pianist rock out at the symphony? A glass-blower knock out a vase in like 3 minutes? A really dedicated stoner roll a joint? Man, I've really got joints on the brain today, and I don't know why. I don't think this country even has pot, so that's not it. Or, maybe that is it... huh. What was I saying?... =) Just kidding. Um, so yeah. Watching master craftsmen (craftswomen? craftspeople? wtf?) work can give you a really twisted idea of the level of difficulty involved in creating something out of rotating clay. I mean, this guy knocks out three different shaped vases in like 3 minutes... it was crazy! And we're all sitting there going, Wow! I can do that! It's easy! Right?!?

Stop. Just stop. It is not easy. I couldn't even get the effin clay in the right shape to put on the damn wheel. You have to pattycake out a little base. Easy, right? But, it has to be actually round. And a uniform thickness. Now, keep in mind that this is clay we're talking about here. How in God's name do you get a hunk of clay into any semblance of uniform thickness. I mean, I know it can be done. I seen it. But how? How, I say? Well, apparently, I wasn't getting it, because the hairy potter guy came over and looked at mine, shook his head, and reformed it for me. Doh. Although, to be fair, he then did that with a bunch of other people too. The next step is to roll out several long ~inch-thick worm-looking things. You are then supposed to lay these on top of the base in circles, building 4 or 5 levels of uniformly-thick clay rings. Well, I won't dwell on the details of this travesty, but potter-dude was back in a jiffy to hook me up and set things straight. Next we had to smoosh the clay flat, both inside and outside the newly-formed vessel. I actually did this part of the process, and it was the only step that I would successfully complete the rest of the way.

I know, it sounds sad, but in a funny way, haha, poor Sean, yada yada yada, right? Well, here's the thing. The next step was to throw it on the wheel and spin this bastard. I mean, really get after it and tear this clay a new one. I thought we'd get a chance to play with for a while, "bugger it up" as Mireille, the South African girl so adorably put it, and then have Mr. Potter fix it. I mean, that's how I'd been working so far, and it was goin pretty well for me up to this point. But alas! I didn't even get a chance to bugger it up -- all I got a chance to do (and this isn't just me, this is everyone) was sort of vaguely show him what shape I wanted my (My? Ha!) new ceramic monstrosity to be. So I moved my hands in a nice flowy curvy shape, like a vase, I'm thinking, and he smiles and says, "Yeah. Like pretty girl." And I thought, ya know, yes, that's actually exactly what I want. So, now I get to wait till February to receive my well-proportioned sexy vase. I literally can't wait. I'll post pictures when I get it. In February. Yes. I said February.

And that was the end of the day. I caught a bus back to Janghowon, ate dinner, came home and watched the season finale of Dexter. This is a great (GREAT!) show, if you haven't seen it. Craziness. And it just got picked up for 2 more seasons! Hellz yeah. ;) Tomorrow, I'm going to Yong-in for teacher training, and if that's half as fun as today I'll be a happy camper tomorrow evening. Wish me luck. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

I am Sean's angry Korean stomach

Actually, I’m writing this on Thursday night, the 13th, on the notebook computer that Boil, my co-teacher at school, was kind enough to let me borrow again today. And now, for your reading pleasure, I present an amusing anecdote from this evening…

I just got done eating dinner. Um, wow. Vietnamese noodles…. The waitress, in her infinite kindness and very finite English, tried to warn me when I ordered them. Well, to be precise, she said, “uh…” and then made some violent hand gestures that looked like bombs exploding around her mouth. I smiled and said, “OK.” That, my friends, is what we call in the biz Mistake Number 1. But at the time I’m thinking Hey! I’m a man! I can handle it. Let these little Korean women do their worst! And also, there’s the fact that several Koreans have warned me that the food I’m about to eat is spicy, and it’s never been out-of-my-league, Megan Fox hot… well, except that raw pepper from Mi Jin’s house, but come on, right!?! That’s a raw freaking pepper – this can’t be that bad. Yeah, hold that thought.

So she went back to the kitchen, which is actually in the same room but behind the water cooler. When she told the other ladies back there what I ordered, they all looked over at me and started laughing, so I just laughed right along and gave them the ole thumbs up. Mistake Numero Dos. Yet they obliged and rustled me up a bowl of “Parched Noodles Vietnamese Style,” or some such nonsense. It was steaming hot when she brought it, so I dug into my kimchi and soup and waited for this hot mess to cool down a bit. As I started to stir up the noodles with my handy-dandy chopsticks, even though I hadn’t yet smelled anything, the insides of my nostrils got all tingly. Should have been a clue, right? Uh, yeah. So, I take a bite. And now we’ve arrived at the infamous and potentially deadly Mistake Number D. I later learned that there were some chunks of aforementioned Satan-pepper in the sauce, but that didn’t matter in the slightest. Mixed into this demon-sauce are the devil-seeds and tiny little ground up Beelzebub-bits of what may well have been thousands of those peppers. Several plants worth, anyway, (quite possibly there’s a whole garden of these tended and nurtured by Lucifer himself in the deepest fires of hell, with Brutus and Judas and the practitioners of the legal profession keeping the bugs away) and I’d set my watch and warrant on that, say true and say thankya.

Long story short, after the searing godforsaken heat of the first bite wore off, I tried another one. I’d like to call this my real 4th mistake, but it actually tasted pretty good, once I got used to it. I ate the whole bowl, and it was pretty damn good the whole way, believe it or not. I guess I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that (and I’m not certain about this, because I think I went a little cross-eyed at some point and possibly began hallucinating, but here ya go) I’m fairly sure I saw some snot drip off my chin and into the bowl. Like, quite a lot, actually. I mean, you’d think I’d know for sure, right? Well, you’re obviously assuming that I could feel any part of my face at this particular moment, and that, quite frankly, is a ridiculous assumption for you to make. Plus, it definitely could’ve been sweat. I realized as I walked back to my hotel (in 50 degree weather, mind you) that my heart was pounding like I’d just sprinted a half-mile or so and that I was literally pouring sweat. My hair was soaked (yes, the top of my head was sweating, for fuck’s sake) and I think my pupils were dilating and contracting in time with my heartbeat. I didn’t realize until I got back to the room and looked in the mirror that my lips were all purply and swollen. Ha… hmm, yeah. So anyway, I must have looked quite a sight when I bought some little fresh-baked, piping-hot custard puffs (5 bite-sized pastries for like 75 cents – did I mention I love this country?!?) from a street vendor for dessert and then picked up some coffee on the way home. FYI, most Koreans drink what they call “coffee,” but this drink is a travesty. I’ll explain about this abomination another time.

So that was my culinary adventure for the evening, and I gotta say, I highly recommend it. I haven’t been able to breathe this well in a long, long time. Now it’s back to studying Korean and watching the Korean Basketball League (Can ya say KBL?! Whoo-hoo!) with an African American-looking fellow named, or at least I think he’s named… aw hell, I don’t know. It’s in stupid Korean. More practice is needed, clearly.

Tonight, Sean’s tummy is an upset Korean tummy.

Today, Sean is an overwhelmed Korean

Today is my second day here in lovely Janghowon, South Korea. Here are some things I like about it:

• The food. It's freaking amazing. My co-teacher Boil took me out for galbi last night, and jesus tapdancing christ was it good. Beef shortribs, cooked right at our table over a little wood fire; about 15 side dishes... grilled pumpkin, mushrooms, onions, garlic cloves, several kinds of kimchi (fermented cabbage with vegetables and chili paste, it tastes a million times better than it sounds), pickled hot peppers, and some other things that we couldn't figure out the names for in English. You cook the steak, wrap it in lettuce with the toppings, and cram the whole shebang in your mouth all at once. It's fun, but messy. Well, I was messy. Boil was doing just fine. According to him, I need technique. Also according to him, I need to lose weight. So ... yeah. Oh -- I also tried soju, a delicious Korean rice liquor. Enjoyed, would try again...
• The showers. Actually, that term is a little generous. Korean bathrooms don't have tubs, or shower curtains, or any way to actually separate the "shower" from the rest of the room. Get it? Restroom... ha. Yeah, anyway. So you just tile the whole damn thing, put a drain in the middle, and go to town. I can watch TV from my shower. What's up now?
• The kids I'm teaching. Well, I'm not actually going to be teaching the kids at my school. Obviously... what were you thinking? So at my school, the I Whang elementary school, to be precise, they have started the Global Experiential Learning Center, which is really cool. 5th and 6th grade kids from all over the province come here to learn about things like traditional Korean arts (tea making, music), global etiquette, and English, which is where I come in. From what I've been told, I will be pretty much doing the same thing every day, which sounds both easy and boring. But, on the bright side, it's easy. On the other hand, it's boring. And it comes with a free frozen yogurt... which is also cursed. Apparently, I can make some extra money teaching classes after school to the kids that actually, you know, go here. So I'm about to be rolling in Won... hell yeah. That's money, by the way, not Korean for "children."
• The people. They're awesome. Kind, generous, polite. And about a quarter of them (that would the quarter representing the women between 18 and 50) are hot. I had heard this, but it doesn't really hit home until you're seeing it... everywhere you look, all the time. It's good. And, what's the word, efficient. These people are efficient! I went to the hospital today to get x-rayed, do a drug test, and blood tests, oh, and get an eye exam and routine physical. This whole process, including paying, took about 30 minutes. Yeah. I was blown away. I mean, it was a dirty little shithole of a place, bugs everywhere, but whatcha gonna do, right...
• Their humor. Well, actually no. They don't get my jokes, but you do, right? See previous bullet point to find out.

I think that's enough for now. I'm off in 5 minutes, back to my lovely hotel. Pictures will be posted at my picasa page... which I think is here *UPDATE* (which is now fixed!!!) aaand the winner is... me! That's the one. If I get better at blogging then I'll start posting them here. But for now, go there. Do it, and like it.

Dinner is served -- at least, I think. More later.