Thursday, December 25, 2008

My bottom hurts

Because I fell on it, a lot, today. Like, a whole helluva lot. Like, a metric dozen times. =Þ

I went snowboarding today! It was a lot of fun... but here's some things I learned (both good and bad) about snowboarding:

  • It's really hard. It took me like 10 minutes to even be able to stand up on the damn thing.
  • Once you do stand up, you fall over again immediately. And it's not like graceful falling either... more like a tree being chopped down. One instant you're nice and vertical, and the next you're no longer connected, physically, mentally, or otherwise, to the ground.
  • Falling hurts. I weigh a lot more now (than I should, for one, but also) than I used to. I fall harder. That whole "the bigger they are..." thing, yeah... that's true.
  • I actually can snowboard. I mean, I did it. It took about 10 times down before I made it without falling, but it happened. It was a pretty boring run, I'm sure... but it was safe and was kind of exhilarating.
  • When you stop at the bottom, you can't keep doing the same thing you were doing to get yourself to stop. I mean, depending on your direction of travel... you either kinda stick your butt out and lift up your toes if you're facing forward or lean forward and lift up your heels if you're facing up the hill, right? Well, no matter which of those you're doing, after you come to a complete halt on a flat surface, that doesn't work as well. If you've ever seen a drunk chimpanzee fall over, you'll know what I'm talking about.
  • Don't forget you're still walking on ice, the whole time. The 2nd worst fall I took wasn't even in the course of boarding. I was walking, for christ's sake. It was right after I got off the lift and I was walking over to sit down and strap my board on. Well, I hit a slippery patch and went down, hard, on my left side. The other major drawback here was that I was holding the board in that hand. So I slammed my fingers between hard snowboard material, whatever the hell that is, and ice. I've got some really pretty bruises already on my middle and ring fingers...
  • Don't get cocky. After that safe, boring, mistake free trip down the hill... I thought I'd cut loose, kick it up a notch, raise the bar, or any other cliche you can think of. So I started really trying to do the S-curvy thing without slowing down too much. It worked. Briefly. Well, twice. I managed to complete one whole S shape before I got way outta control and started bouncing and flipping and spinning and peeing on myself. OK, I made that last one up, but it was a definite possibility... And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the worst fall of the day. That was the also the last fall of the day... because it around that time that a beer started to sound mouth-wateringly irresistibly good. So, I had a beer. Then I had another. Then I left. Then I came home and had another. Then I started yelling "Merry $*@#ing Christmas" out the window of my apartment. Then I started blogging.
One of the sentences in the last paragraph was false. Can you guess which one? Go on, read it again. I'll wait.

You're absolutely right... the S-curvy thing worked exactly once, not twice... =Þ

There's one other thing I wanted to mention today. I'm getting absolutely owned in my football bowl pick em' group. I might as well be named Toby. Apparently, being out of the country for the last month of the regular season and not actually watching any of the games since the beginning of November is a terrible way to go about picking the winners of all the bowl games. I actually did pretty well last year -- 2nd in the group, if I'm not mistaken. And I've rocked the last two years at March Madness brackets! Last year, not only did I win my group in an avalanche (it was too brutal of a whooping to be called merely a landslide), I finished in the top 13,000 on Now, I know what you're thinking, "Oooooh, top 13,000... Whoo-ee", right? But that's out of more than 2MILLION contestants. Which, if I'm not mistaken, puts me ahead of about 99.3% of those 2 MILLION people. Yes, I am capitalizing that word on purpose. Why do you ask?

I'm making a metric assload of spaghetti tomorrow... I finally went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of food... and one of the pleasant surprises was how cheap it is to have the deli grind up meat fresh for me. Cheap is a relative thing, here... but unexpectedly so, anyway. So I bought an onion, some garlic, some ground pork, some noodles and a jar of Classico spaghetti sauce, just like you get at the Mack's Big Star! Or, you know, Krogers. Um, yeah -- those of you who don't know me were probably getting a little excited to hear my homemade spaghetti sauce recipe. Well, I learned that from my Mom, and I'm not sharing it here... but I'll give you hint: substitute Prego for Classico and you're off to a good start. ;) Ah, I love ya, Mom... and I can't wait to try your spaghetti with the new secret ingredient!

OK -- I think it's time to watch a movie and go to bed. I just finished downloading "Run Fatboy Run" -- it's by the same guys who did "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz!" I love these guys... Simon Pegg is the shizznit. I can't wait any longer, so I'm not going to write anymore. I mean, tonight. Not like, ever. You were scared. It's OK to admit it. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault...

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